heavy heart

Uncertainty...

That describes my life since the first of the year. I know I lost almost all of my readers when I took my {very extended} blog break, but if there's any chance someone is reading, I just need to pour out my heart tonight.

This is not an exciting decor post laced with dreamy pictures and fabulous projects, but it's reality and it seems to have really hit me hard tonight. You see, we bought our house 4.5 yrs ago, one week before my younger daughter was born. Through a terrible series of misfortunes, theft, and job loss, we have been struggling to keep our home for the last 2 years. Unfortunately we are not the only owners of the home {very long story} so other family members are also being affected. Which magnifies the situation 10,000 times.

Being in the real estate and loan business {both my husband and myself} 2011 has not been a great year... owning a home only makes it worse, from an income standpoint as well as an investment standpoint. Not to mention running a business from home. If we are forced to move, we have to disrupt and move a business as well. So much stress.

I can't say enough bad things about our lender... we have applied for a loan modification multiple times and been denied for ridiculous reasons. They seem to employ people who have no idea what they are talking about, lose our paperwork, etc. etc. That only makes a difficult situation more frustrating and stressful. It seems they would rather sell our home to someone else for half of what we owe {the current market value is half what we paid for it} rather than work with us and modify OUR payments, the family that lives here, the family who has lovingly cared for and maintained our home and gardens for the last 4.5 years. Currently we are trying one or two last-ditch efforts to save our home, but it is very possible I will be packing up our home in the next month, unsure of where we will move.

This is especially emotional for me since my daughter went through a very rough first 2 weeks of second grade and had to switch schools because of an unfortunate situation with a very mean teacher {another very long story}. She has made new friends and acclimated wonderfully at her new school, but it took several weeks. She is finally happy as a clam. I am ecstatic. It is the best possible school in our area and the one we always wanted her to attend, but we were not assigned there. Until now. And if we move.... well, I don't know if she will have to switch schools again. I cannot stand the thought of that.

I well up with tears at the thought of leaving our beloved home, the place I have worked so hard to make our own... my roses, my hydrangeas, my garden. Our memories here. Living so close to friends. My daughters bedrooms, my 4 yr olds beloved blue room... and of course my daughter's school. Not to mention the marital strain this has caused.

I am just sharing this because my heart is so heavy and I am living a financial and emotional roller coaster and it is so, so very hard. On top of that, I have been struggling daily with IBS for the last couple of months and stress only exacurbates it. So many blogs are filled with decorating with what seem like endless budgets and happy times and friends and vacations and art retreats and I am just struggling to keep my emotions in check and my head above water on a daily basis and find some kind of joy in little moments. I'm sorry this is not a happy, light post... just know if you are in a similar situation to mine, you are not alone. I am right there with you. If that can bring comfort to anyone, then I feel a little better.

I just really felt compelled to pour out my heart tonight, so thank you for reading this and for visiting my blog. The last couple of years have been very difficult for me personally as well as for my family and marriage and I hoped to escape and pursue my passions and creativity on this blog, but reality is just so heavy tonight.

With tears,
xo
Kari

**edited to add... I have shared some very personal things tonight which is not usually my custom on this blog. However, I do hope that in "keeping it real" someone, somewhere will find comfort in my struggles. I love that expression "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" but I know my problems pale in comparison to the struggles and losses others are facing. Still, thank you for reading and for allowing me to vent and to be human for a moment. It's therapeutic. :)